Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
