clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize