would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
