Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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