I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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