My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
