one might say we're banned from that church
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
