Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize