now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Acid is not a monday night drug
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
