My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
