There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
