The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
