I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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