covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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