kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
