Who did Billy Mays play for?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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