Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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