I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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