i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
