I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
