how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
