Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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