The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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