'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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