If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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