i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
