I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
