I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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