1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
