Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
