I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
