Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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