I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
