I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
