Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
