Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
