Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
