While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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