I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
