just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
