sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
