I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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