I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
