drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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