Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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