Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
