This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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