There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
