If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
