My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
