shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
