you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
