Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
