I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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