3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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