That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
