Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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