I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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