like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
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